My rating: 2 of 5 stars
Rating – 1.5 stars.
Today it’s a CinemaSins style review, only for a book. I recommend you see this video before reading if you don’t know what CinemaSins is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYVZjK…
Everything wrong with The Diamond Thief in 700 words or less. Spoilers. (Duh!)
The name Cirque de la Lune. +1 sin.
Ding! From here on, please imagine the noise for every sin added.
The mysterious-circus-in-town-cliche. +1 sin.
The hero with heterochromatic eyes. +5 sins.
The spelling error here: “Claudette smiled, taking Dominique’s reigns…”. +30 sins.
The exposition-by-angry-thoughts-cliche here: “How dare he talk about Amelie like that? Just because she was different, just because she didn’t speak.”. +1 sin.
The violinist named Dorffman who exists only for eerie sound effects and ringmaster Gustave’s entertainment. +1 sin.
The hero’s name – Thaddeus Rec. +10 sins.
The hero-is-a-ditzy-genius-cliche. +1 sin.
The hero-has-a-dark-parental-past-cliche. +5 sins.
The hero-is-a-noble-guy-making-up-for-the-sins-of-his-fathers-cliche. +2 sins.
The existence of the eccentric genius professor character. +5 sins.
The name of the aforementioned character: “…his friend the Professor agreed with him.” +15 sins.
The reference to Queen Victoria and the Shah of Persia in the same sentence. +2 sins.
A plot revolving around the Koh-i-noor and Darya-ye-Noor. +10 sins.
The heroine-dresses-up-for-a-party-cliche. +20 sins.
The anything-long-and-metal-will-open-a-door-cliche. +1 sin.
The idea that the heroine is unrecognisable without makeup. +1 sin.
The Chief Inspector gives a priceless diamond to the least experienced detective in the room. Despite it being an unexpected manoeuvre, it is still stupid. +2 sins.
This detective, Thaddeus, keeps the priceless diamond in his coat pocket. +5 sins.
The aforementioned diamond turns out to be a fake. +10 sins.
The attachment of the question tag “,yes?” to every sentence to make Remy seem French. +5 sins.
The cursed-diamond-from-India-cliche. +15 sins.
Thaddeus believing Remy’s name is Moineau Volant. *facepalm* +2 sins.
J, the dirty London orphan with a heart of gold. +1 sin.
The scene where Thaddeus goes to the police station after questioning Gustave and is accused of stealing the diamond. First, he can’t comprehend how they can accuse him of stealing it. Hint: your dad was a thief. +2 sins.
Second, he makes no attempt to defend himself using logic. He could point out that if he were intelligent enough to steal it, he wouldn’t promptly fence it at the circus and return to the police station of all places. Instead he blubbers on about how he can’t believe they don’t trust him. +5 sins.
Third, when Collins offers him a chance to escape, he stands there like an idiot. I am now calling you Thaddeusaurus Rex for your highly evolved brain. +12 sins.
The sleeping gas gun. +5 sins.
Sleeping gas is purple and does not have side-effects. +2 sins.
Wanted fugitive, Thaddeusaurus, draws attention to himself by nodding to a couple on the street. +1 sin.
This sentence: “…if he built a cylinder that produced a vacuum at one end and propulsion at the other, the force and motion could lift a grown man off the ground.” No. Just no. +7 sins.
Professor conveniently invades Thaddeus’ privacy by planting a steampunk version of a bug on him. +5 sins.
Wanted fugitive, Thaddeusaurus, decides to question a lord of the realm during his breakfast about a circus performer he may know nothing about. +7 sins.
The dog chase scene with Remy where she only gets nipped in the heel. And doesn’t need a rabies injection. +1 sin.
Thaddeus says a person who steals “has something wrong with their soul.” He has obviously never read Les Miserables. +2 sins.
Thaddeusaurus falls in love in with a thief – Remy. So much for that. +5 sins.
The villain’s insidious laugh and monologuing. +5 sins.
The villain’s plan is essentially world domination. +20 sins.
The villain invites Remy to join him in said world domination. Because gymnasts are very useful in colonial takeovers involving steampunk submarines. +10 sins.
The henchman is called Jonesy. His modus operandi? Strangling. +5 sins.
The mysterious super-light, super strong, silvery metal that Abernathy uses to make his Hazmat(?) suits and submarines is – wait for it – titanium. The same WMDs are powered by – wait for it – the gemstones. +30 sins.
Remy playing hard to get. Attributed to the curse, but her POV does nothing to prove this. She rejects Thaddeus for purely non-emotional reasons. +1 sin.
The old bookcase-swings-open-to-reveal-something cliche. +1 sin.
The dying-come-back-from-death cliche. Repeated around 5 times. +10 sins.
Magical medicine from India that cures bullet holes in the chest. Apparently it’s a concentrated dose. +20 sins.
The last two to three chapters, which have a series of overused tropes one after the other, including a heel face turn by the Professor, a life-and-death flooding situation underground, a dramatic love confession on the verge of death, Romeo-and-Juliet-style misunderstandings, sacrifices for the sake of true love, a time jump, mysterious stone activates mind powers and a happy dramatic reunion. +50 sins.
Ambiguity as to whether book is YA or middle grade. +6 sins.
Requisite kiss scene at the end. Oh, it is YA. +4 sins.
A sensible, skilled heroine capable of self-deprecating humour and quick thinking. -15 sins.
The opening tightrope walking scene. -15 sins.
A heavy book almost kills a thug. The pen is mightier than the sword. As illustrated in this gif that my wonderful friend Kagama found. -5 sins.
Bonus Round: Flushes and Blushes
I’m not even going to try.
Sin Tally: 332
Punishment: Death by man-eating Indian tigers.